Saw this on rec.humor.funny.reruns and thought it definitely belongs in as many places on the Internet as possible, so here goes:
ASK DR. LAURA
Dear Dr. Laura, Thank you for doing so much to educate peopleregarding God’s law. When someone tries to defend the homosexuallifestyle, for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need someadvice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and howto best follow them.
When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates apleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors.They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. How should I deal withthis?
I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as it suggests in Exodus21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price forher? I also know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while sheis in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). Theproblem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women takeoffense.
Now I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligatedto kill him myself? Then, Lev. 25:44 states that I may buy slavesfrom the nations that are around us. A friend of mine claims that thisapplies to Mexicans but not Canadians. Can you clarify?
A friend of mine also feels that even though eating shellfish is anabomination (Lev. 10:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality.I don’t agree. Can you settle this? And Lev. 20:20 states that I maynot approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I haveto admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20,or is there some wiggle room here?
I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident youcan help. Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternaland unchanging.
[Note - reportedly written by filmmaker Michael Moore - ed.]
–From the RHF archives as selected by Brad Templeton, Maddi Hausmann andJim Griffith. This newsgroup posts former jokes from the newsgrouprec.humor.funny. Visit http://www.netfunny.com/rhf to browse the RHF pagesand archives on the web.
Posted Friday, 24 October, 2003 by Nic Lindh
Another book roundup, including some stellar athletes and soldiers, what might be the most jaded, soul-weary protagonist ever, and some grimdark fantasy.
The Internet is getting creepy, and Nic is breaking out his tinfoil hat after newspaper paywalls push him over the edge.
Nic is tired of tech sites obsessing over Apple’s financials and business strategy. So very tired.
Nic reads a book about the processed food industry and is incensed.
Computers are complicated. This brings out the irrational in people.
Nic proposes the loan word Rechthaberei be incorporated into American English.
The Core Dump is back! Books were read during the hiatus. Includes The Coldest Winter, Oh, Myyy!, Tough Sh*t, The Revolution Was Televised, The Rook, Mr. Penumbra’s 24 Hour Bookstore, Gun Machine, Fortress Frontier, Standing in Another Man’s Grave, and The Memory of Light.
This site will return in February.
From a true patriot to a world-weary detective, a dead god, and a civilization about to sublime from the galaxy, this book roundup spans the gamut. Includes Where Men Win Glory, Wild, Inside the Box, The Black Box, Three Parts Dead, Red Country, and The Hydrogen Sonata.
Springsteen gives a concert in Phoenix. It’s fantastic.