Saw this on rec.humor.funny.reruns and thought it definitely belongs in as many places on the Internet as possible, so here goes:
ASK DR. LAURA
Dear Dr. Laura, Thank you for doing so much to educate peopleregarding God’s law. When someone tries to defend the homosexuallifestyle, for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need someadvice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and howto best follow them.
When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates apleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors.They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. How should I deal withthis?
I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as it suggests in Exodus21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price forher? I also know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while sheis in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). Theproblem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women takeoffense.
Now I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligatedto kill him myself? Then, Lev. 25:44 states that I may buy slavesfrom the nations that are around us. A friend of mine claims that thisapplies to Mexicans but not Canadians. Can you clarify?
A friend of mine also feels that even though eating shellfish is anabomination (Lev. 10:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality.I don’t agree. Can you settle this? And Lev. 20:20 states that I maynot approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I haveto admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20,or is there some wiggle room here?
I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident youcan help. Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternaland unchanging.
[Note - reportedly written by filmmaker Michael Moore - ed.]
–From the RHF archives as selected by Brad Templeton, Maddi Hausmann andJim Griffith. This newsgroup posts former jokes from the newsgrouprec.humor.funny. Visit http://www.netfunny.com/rhf to browse the RHF pagesand archives on the web.
Back once again with the sci-fi and general calamity. Includes The End is Always Near, Eat the Apple, A Memory Called Empire, Gideon the Ninth, Infinite Detail, Permafrost, Fallen, and The October Man.
Is there reason to upgrade from a 3 to a 5?
After all these years, Nic still can’t understand the American attitude to healthcare.
A sci-fi and fantasy heavy installment that includes The Valedictorian of Being Dead, The Mastermind, Broadsword Calling Danny Boy, Tiamat’s Wrath, The Raven Tower, The Liberation, The Light Brigade and Cryptonomicon.