Saw this on rec.humor.funny.reruns and thought it definitely belongs in as many places on the Internet as possible, so here goes:
ASK DR. LAURA
Dear Dr. Laura, Thank you for doing so much to educate peopleregarding God’s law. When someone tries to defend the homosexuallifestyle, for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need someadvice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and howto best follow them.
When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates apleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors.They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. How should I deal withthis?
I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as it suggests in Exodus21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price forher? I also know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while sheis in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). Theproblem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women takeoffense.
Now I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligatedto kill him myself? Then, Lev. 25:44 states that I may buy slavesfrom the nations that are around us. A friend of mine claims that thisapplies to Mexicans but not Canadians. Can you clarify?
A friend of mine also feels that even though eating shellfish is anabomination (Lev. 10:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality.I don’t agree. Can you settle this? And Lev. 20:20 states that I maynot approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I haveto admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20,or is there some wiggle room here?
I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident youcan help. Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternaland unchanging.
[Note - reportedly written by filmmaker Michael Moore - ed.]
–From the RHF archives as selected by Brad Templeton, Maddi Hausmann andJim Griffith. This newsgroup posts former jokes from the newsgrouprec.humor.funny. Visit http://www.netfunny.com/rhf to browse the RHF pagesand archives on the web.
A sci-fi and fantasy heavy installment that includes The Valedictorian of Being Dead, The Mastermind, Broadsword Calling Danny Boy, Tiamat’s Wrath, The Raven Tower, The Liberation, The Light Brigade and Cryptonomicon.
Includes The Incomplete Book of Running, Aching God, The Murderbot Diaries, Lies Sleeping, The Consuming Fire, and Rendezvous with Rama.
Did you know Las Vegas is kind of nutty?
Includes Hollywood Dead, Tales from the Loop, Things from the Flood, The Court of Broken Knives, and Port of Shadows.
Nic has a retinal tear and has his vision is saved by a laser.
Includes The Storm Before the Storm, White Trash, Calypso, Tell the Machine Goodnight, Prince of Fools, and Provenance.
The Internet tells Nic to install Ubiquiti gear in his house, so he does, and now he has thoughts.